new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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