I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
