I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
