I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
