Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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