We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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