so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
