Your mouth is God's brothel.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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