Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
