I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My pussy is not your playground.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
