Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
