Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
