Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
