today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
