ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
