What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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