I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Randomize
