recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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