i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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