I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
