Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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