I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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