my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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