How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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