Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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