Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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