I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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