I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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