i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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