Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
