I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
