my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
