I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
