I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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