can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I believe in your delicious
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
