I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
