i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
