I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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