I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
