I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
