So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize