i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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