Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
