I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
