we made out on top of his cat.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
