took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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