it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
