How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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