Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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