I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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