I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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