i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
