I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize