Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
