i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize