worst night to have a conscience
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
did i walk over a car last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
