This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
