only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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